Spilled Tea
by Seras0Victoria
Summary: A few days after his battle with Shishio, Kenshin wakes in the middle of the night to find Kaoru tending to him. He notices she had been hurt during the defense of the Aoiya and his guilt over not being able to protect her elicits a very strong reactio


"**Spilled Tea" (6.21.10)**

_***Rurouni Kenshin and all characters therein belong to the noble Nobuhiro Watsuki. **_

_****This is just a one shot. I just watched again the episode where Kenshin leaves for Kyoto and says his farewell to Kaoru (so hard to watch but so beautiful) and I needed to write something. I had to get this out of my system before continuing on with my Samurai Champloo fic or else it would sit in the way like a huge stone in the road. I hope I can move forward now, lol.**_

_*****This takes place just after Kenshin, Sano and Aoshi return from defeating Shishio Makoto. Kenshin was being practically carried by Sano and was near death when they finally reached the Aoiya. He's recuperating at this point.**_

_**I hope you enjoy and review if you have time…**_

**Though his eyes were still shut, Kenshin's mind awoke to a warm pressure on his sword hand. Instinctively, he tried to move it but found the weight was enough to keep it immobile. How weak was he? His senses started to come back to him, slowly but surely. The first thing he felt was aching pain all over his body. He gritted his teeth and held his breath. Even that hurt. It crested over him like rippling waves and he waited for them to become smaller. Soon, the sharpness of it passed and he was able to endure it, letting his heart rate slow as he began to take even breaths through his nose again. As he waited for the pounding of the blood in his ears to cease, he let himself smell the coolness of the air around him. Fresh linens, soap, well water and Megumi's topical medication were the first things he recognized. And then, underneath the otherwise sterile balm, something else…something so familiar his he felt a jolt in chest. Before he could begin to form the thoughts, at last he heard the sound of soft breathing near him. He focused on the sound and tried to move his hand again but found it was starting to tingle and his fingers were losing some feeling.**

**Finally, he allowed his eyes to open. It was mostly dark, except for the narrow beams of moonlight that were coming in from two small windows opposite of where he lay. When his eyes adjusted into focus and the spots went away, he could see the room was tinted in grays and blues from low moonlight that penetrated the quiet sanctuary. His eyes slowly tracked down his body and he could see a form bent over this hand and his vision could now confirm the familiar scent. **

"**Kaoru-dono," whispered Kenshin, though it came out more like a croak. He smiled and his face hurt even more because of it, but he didn't care.**

"**Hmm…?" Kaoru's eyes flitted open. Her face was resting on Kenshin's right hand as she held it with her own underneath. It took her a moment to realize she must have dozed off for a moment. **

"**Kaoru-dono," Kenshin whispered again.**

**With a sharp intake of break, Kaoru lifted her head and straightened herself in her chair to see Kenshin's gentle smile. The moonlight in the room illuminated just enough so she could see the lower part of his face. **

"**Kenshin?" She felt the hot sting of tears as they started to pool in her eyes but she dared not blink lest she wake up from this dream. "Is this real? Are you really awake?"**

"**This one is awake."**

**She lifted Kenshin's hand that she was still holding and brought it up to her cheek, pressing her face against the back of it. "You don't know how glad I am to hear your voice again."**

**Kenshin felt the wetness of her face and the tears that continued to fall on his hand as she held him so closely. "Do not cry, Kaoru-dono. Tell me, are we indeed going back to Tokyo together?"**

**She knew what he was asking. "Yes, Kenshin, we are. All of us are safe."**

**Kaoru felt him let out small sigh. He was healing and that last bit of good news would further help him to recover. **

"**Are you well, Kaoru-dono?"**

"**I am. You came back to us alive."**

**The feeling in Kenshin's hand had come back and he did what he had been longing to do since he woke to see her next to him. He opened his hand that was holding Kaoru's and let hers go, trying out the weight of lifting his whole arm by himself. He kept the back of his hand against her cheek and brushed it lightly, extending his fingers. The moonlight being behind her, it was hard to see her face but he could feel her smiling. He slowly moved his hand to the other side of her face, cupping it lightly. But instead of the smoothness of her skin, he felt the texture of linen bandages. **

"**Kaoru-dono, what happened?" he asked with urgency, "You're hurt."**

"**Hmm?" was all she could muster as she reveled in his gentle but intimate touch. She only then realized she had closed her eyes to his ministrations when she opened them at his questioning. "It's nothing, Kenshin. I will tell you about it later, but you have to rest now."**

"**This one would like some water, if it's possible."**

"**Of course. I'll get you some tea that's been simmering."**

**Though Kenshin was thirsty, he had to see Kaoru's face and this would make her bring in a light. He would not be able to rest without knowing what happened. The Aoiya had been attacked, he remembered. They had successfully defended it. At what cost?**

**Moments later, he saw Kaoru's illuminated form walk towards his room, the globe of light becoming brighter through the shoji doors as she neared. She slid the door open, backed in, and closed it. When she turned around, lamp in one hand and a small tray with tea in the other, Kenshin looked fully at her.**

**This was the face that kept him alive. When he almost gave into death and a final end to his pain during his fight with Shishio, he saw her smiling at him, telling him they would all go home together. It was her voice that gave him hope, whether he had imagined it or not in the long hallway leading to Soujirou. Her spirit and care sustained him, saving him from loneliness and despair. And now this lovely, innocent face was marred with scratches and bruises. Her bottom lip was cut and he could see more bruising along her neckline underneath the collar of her yukata. **

**As Kaoru set the lamp and tea tray on the small table next to his bed, he saw that some of her fingers and her left wrist were bandaged as well. Kenshin tried to prop himself up but the effort proved to be too difficult. Grimacing, he slumped back into being prone.**

"**Kenshin, stop! Please don't move. Your body is a long way off from recovering and any strain will set you back. You've only been able to rest for a few days now. Megumi-san insists you must remain still for at least two weeks! She will not be happy with you if you don't."**

**Kaoru noticed that even as she helped him lay back down and pulled the covers over him, he did not take his eyes off of her face. She blushed profusely, knowing how unpresentable and disheveled she must look, but she didn't care. He was alive and safe and that was worth more than all the propriety in the world.**

"**You should not have been involved in this, Kaoru-dono…"**

"**Here, let me help you drink…" she said and ignored the line of thought Kenshin was heading toward. Holding the tea cup in her right hand, she slipped her left hand underneath his head and neck and gently cradled him forward so he could take a sip. She brought the cup to his lips but he didn't drink.**

"**Is it too hot? I added some cool water so you could drink it down more easily…should I put some more in?" When she laid his head back down, his eyes were hooded and his face was like a stone slab, expressionless and empty. "Kenshin?"**

"**This one has put all of you in danger, again and again; my existence alone reason enough for those around me to become hurt. This one could not protect you and that is made clear in the wounds you bear now. If this one had never come into your life…"**

**Kaoru stood and smashed the tea cup down on the table with such force that it shattered into pieces and tea splashed everywhere. The hand that had held the cup was visibly shaking and it began to permeate throughout Kaoru's body.**

"**Oro…K-Kaoru-dono?"**

**The silence that followed Kaoru's eruption was deafening. Kenshin turned his head to look at her, only to find her ki cascading off of her in tumultuous waves. **

**Finally, Kaoru spoke as she stared blankly at the broken piece of the tea cup in her hand. "Kenshin. Do you wish I was dead?"**

**The idea made Kenshin's chest constrict and he felt something pierce through his heart. "No, by the gods, Kaoru-dono! Why would you even ask…"  
**

"**Because if you had never come into my life, that's what I would be. Dead. If you had never been there to stop Hiruma Gohei, I would no longer be on this earth and my father's land and dojo would have been forfeit. The Kamiya Kasshin Ryu would have died with me." **

**She turned to face Kenshin then, her face more calm as her energy began to find its center again, her voice clear and crisp. "We can go on further. Where do you think Yahiko would be? At the very least he would still be working for the Yakuza. At worst he would have been killed for being obstinate. Most likely the latter, knowing him. And he would never have known just how good a swordsman he could be with you as an example. And Sanosuke? He'd still be traveling and brawling with no direction in life. He would have gotten himself killed one day trying to fight for the ideals of his long-dead Captain. His friendship with you has given him a purpose, you see? And you know very well what would have happened to Megumi-san. So many people would have been robbed of having her treat their illness."**

**Kenshin looked at Kaoru, seeing in her eyes a deepening sadness. He had never chosen to see the perspective that she was showing him now. He couldn't see it when there was so much suffering laid out before him and when he was the one from which the suffering stemmed.**

**Kaoru bowed her head then and he could no longer see her eyes. But when she spoke again, her voice was softer.**

"**Please, Kenshin. Don't ever say that you regret being in my life; being in OUR lives. I don't think I could bear that."**

"**This one does not regret it. But selfishly so. The last time this one was selfish…someone close to me died."**

**The silence once again filled the room and enveloped it. Not knowing what else to say, Kaoru began to stand so she could pick up the pieces of the tea cup. She froze when Kenshin reached for her arm and held her firmly. **

**Kaoru sat back down and placed her hand over Kenshin's. "I am sorry that you lost someone dear to you. But I'm more sorry if that keeps you from letting anyone get close to you again. It's a heavy price to pay. And it's unfair."**

**Kenshin thoughts went to Tomoe. He shut his heart off like a spigot that cold, snowy day. It was still closed so tightly that he couldn't face her again, even at her grave. The sin of killing an untold number of men during his days as a hitokiri was outweighed by that one moment when he stole her life and watched it bleed away as he held her. Now he imagined Kaoru in her place; her warmth and spirit evaporating into the cold air as he looked on. If anything like that happened again, he would not survive it.**

"**I suppose it is because this one is afraid of something happening to you, Kaoru-dono. I do not know what I would become."**

"**Locking your heart away because of fear – that is truly selfish."**

**Kenshin's eyes became wide at her words and his breath caught in his throat.**

**Kaoru gently took his hand from her arm and placed it in her open one, enclosing them over his. She looked at the hand she held so dearly.**

"**That night when you told me you were leaving for Kyoto and you said farewell…I was paralyzed. I wanted to stop you but I couldn't. I was rooted where I stood. I don't know how long I was outside but Sano came back to see if you had returned after he walked Megumi-san to the clinic. He found me there. I didn't remember much of that night after you left so I made Sano tell me later. Having this empty spot in your memory is strange. He said he found me hunched over with my head on the ground and that my face was a complete mess. Not too sensitive, that one, "chuckled Kaoru. "He said he carried me back into the house and put me to bed, messy face and all. I don't recall saying anything to him that night but he told me I kept mumbling your name and the words "come back" or "don't go" and he knew what had happened. The next morning, Tsubame came and helped me clean up and change. But I was already dead inside. I didn't want to eat or drink or talk to anyone. I just wanted to disappear…"**

"**Kaoru-dono…"**

"**It's because I was afraid, Kenshin. I was afraid to fight because I felt like I had already lost. If I gave up then I would never have to hear you say goodbye again. I could just waste away and never feel anything. It seemed like a good idea at the time, "said Kaoru, with a rueful smile. "Yahiko wasn't about to let me off that easy. He kept pushing me to go to Kyoto even before I knew I wanted to. But it was Megumi-san who told me I said I was being selfish, laying in bed, shrinking away from my responsibilities like a brat and just letting you leave. She charged me with delivering her medicine to you, telling me she'd never forgive me if I didn't get myself together. She knocked some sense back into me. She was right, you know? I was afraid if I came after you, you would be angry and tell me to go home. Can you imagine? That's what I was afraid of. It would have been hard to hear, that is certain. But seeing you again at Master Seijurou-sama's house, even if you told me you never wanted to see me again…it was worth it. And I would have fought for that chance again, Kenshin. In fact, that is what we did here at the Aoiya while you were risking your life for us: Fighting for that chance to see you again."**

**Kenshin squeezed her hand with as much strength as he was able to muster. Overwhelmed at her raw honesty, he was rendered speechless. He was never one to be flowery with words or express his innermost feelings but his chest felt tightly packed with the things he wanted to say and he felt as though they may burst him open at any moment. Kaoru took her left hand off of Kenshin's for a moment and he felt the cool smoothness of it on his forehead. He closed his eyes briefly and felt her tuck a stray lock of his hair gently behind his ear before placing her hand back over his, as if it always belonged there.**

"**Misao was fighting for Aoshi. She believed in your promise to bring him back and it gave her strength. Without that resolve, things would have turned out differently. And had I not had the conviction of wanting to see you again, I don't know that I would have survived either. Shishio's compatriots were formidable. The one Misao and I fought…she…well, he…was certainly passionate about Shishio but against mine and Misao's, there was no challenge. We just got some bumps and scrapes along the way. I hope you won't rob of us of our well-earned battle scars. Personally, they only remind me of what I fought for…and that what I fought for came to pass."**

**She looked at Kenshin tenderly. **

"**Kaoru-dono…this one does not deserve what you give…"**

"**Whether you accept it or not, Kenshin, it will be given. I won't be afraid anymore."**

**Kenshin slipped his hand out of her grasp and reached up for her face, the side with the bandages he had felt before. He placed his hand against her cheek and she leaned into him. He gently stroked the bandage and told himself that he would try to see them, not as his failures, but as her accomplishments.**

"**I had no reason to doubt you, Kenshin. Especially since Master Seijurou-sama told me himself to trust in you. How could I not?"**

**Kenshin was taken aback. "When did Shishou tell you that?"**

"**When he came to the Aoiya and defeated the last member of the Juppon Gatana. His was the decisive victory," she recounted and smiled at Kenshin. She was happy to let him know that his Master had so much faith in him, even if he could never tell Kenshin himself.**

**Kenshin's relief and gratitude led to elation and his mind finally allowed his body to relax. **_**Thank you, Shishou.**_

**Kaoru felt, rather than saw, the tension leave his body. **

"**I am going to get another cup of tea for you since the last one was…spilled. Will you drink it this time without foolish words?"**

**Kenshin smiled. "Of course, Kaoru-dono. I would not want to make Okina-dono displeased about losing another tea cup."**

**Kenshin warmed as she beamed at him. He watched Kaoru as she left the room and then his eyelids grew heavy and closed of their own volition. Slipping into a deep, dreamless sleep, he didn't recall if Kaoru came back to give him tea to drink or not but he did remember feeling, again, warm pressure on his sword hand. **_**  
**_


End file.
